It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
