GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
