My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
