I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
did i walk over a car last night?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize