Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
