I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
