I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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