so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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