M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
