"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize