I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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