I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
