god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
