bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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