so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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