Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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