I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
