you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize