i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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