dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
