spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize