happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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