I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
