My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
