he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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