found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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