Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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