Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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