I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
