so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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