You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
