Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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