I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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