God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
worst night to have a conscience
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
