he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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