yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize