dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
