I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
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