You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize