I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
