Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My vagina is officially offended.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
