i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
