Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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