So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
