fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
