How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We need to get me chipped asap
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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