she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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