first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
