I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
