worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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