Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
