He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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