It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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