His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
