how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
