i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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