There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
