It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
